April Fools Joke!

Subatomic String Tuning Device Review
The ultimate in resonance tuning!
Review By Steven R. Rochlin

  Many audiophiles worldwide are firm believers in resonance tuning devices. While there are various theories concerning how these products work, a new upstart company, Subatomic Conger And Magic (S.C.A.M.) feels that all other companies have ignored the most important aspect. Namely, in careful attention to the basic molecules at work within all matter.

For many years the scientific community has debated string theory. As seen above, basic atoms are made up from other smaller objects. Those smaller objects are said to adhere to what Einstein refers to as the unified field theory. In fact this then new discovery decades ago began a 30-year crusade! Both the strong and weak forces (gravity and electromagnetism) were felt by Einstein to really be part of one grand underlying principle. As the decades past and new scientists furthered his work, today we have a better understanding of it all.

In fact there is said to be five different speculations on string theories so S.C.A.M. has designed five distinct products as they feel each has merit for various audiophile products (i.e. analog, digital, etc.).

The Science
First, the definition of String Theory as defined by The Free Online Dictionary:

string´ the`o`ry  (string´ the`ô`ry)

noun. 1. (Physics) A mathematical theory for describing the properties of fundamental particles, which represents the particles as one-dimensional string-like objects, which exist in the normal four dimensions of space-time plus additional dimensions, the total dimensions being ten, eleven, or twenty-six depending on the version of the theory. The properties of fundamental particles in string theory and their manner of interaction with each other depend upon the modes of vibration of the strings. The attractiveness of this theory rests in part on its ability to provide a unified treatment of gravity as well as the three other basic forces of nature, in a manner consistent with quantum mechanics. The great difficulty of doing the calculations required by the theory, however, has thus far made it impossible to calculate the observable properties, such as the mass, of known particles, such as the electron, proton, mesons, quarks, and neutron; thus there is as yet no experimental verification for the theory. The most popular version of the theory depends on a mathematical property called supersymmetry, and the theory derived form this principle is properly called superstring theory, a term which is often used interchangeably with string theory.

With the above understanding, and from S.C.A.M.'s careful research, elementary particles based on one-dimensional curves (strings) are the real reason why various parts, while measuring the same given today's basic mainstream technology and techniques, cause audio components to sound different. The basic particles within each and every part have symmetry (also supersymmetry) in unifying the four known fundamental forces of nature. In fact embedded inside a component are as many as ten dimensions! While most people are familiar with three dimensions, scientists and mathematicians also deal with such things as time and seven compactified dimensions.

Trekkies are familiar with the TV show's character Q and his ability to travel easily through space-time. It is said that space and time are joined together in which time becomes the "fourth dimension." A theory by H. Lorentz preceded the interpretation by Einstein that space and time are not absolute and, in fact, an abstract description of space-time was made by Minkowski.

i will avoid delving further into theory and simply provide a simple formula i scribed down to assist those who desire more technical information that is partially the basis of the new Subatomic String Tuning Devices. Any Trekkie worth their salt matter is familiar with tachyons and simple space-time...

The Products -- Unseen, Unproven, And Non-Measurable
Naturally such advanced, nearly Sci-Fi-like products are decades ahead of their time! As such, the five new products from S.C.A.M. do not adhere to presently known scientific principles. While the products range in price from $20 to $20,000, make no mistake about it as the manufacturer is certain that the more you spend the better your music reproduction system will sound.

Their first product is a mere $20 and looks like a computer chip. Inside the chip is a mixture of various matter placed in a specifically designed sequence as to cause changes on a level unseen by today's best electron microscopes. Using the product is simple as you place it atop your digital disc transport and it magically will 'upgrade' your disc at the subatomic level. The only downfall is that said device can only alter a limited number of discs (fifty). If you accidentally try to 'upgrade' the same disc twice, the stings within the disc will not be altered a second time so there is no setback. S.C.A.M. has hoped to release a product to treat 1,000 discs, yet during laboratory experiments the product seems to have disappeared into the fourth, or perhaps the fifth dimension according to their chief scientist, and was not recoverable given today's lack of ability to bring back objects within other dimensions.

As a side note, after much prodding by this reporter i found out that part of the chip's inner working are four circuits designed with chaos research in electrical engineering. Anyone familiar with TV's The Outer Limits or Twilight Zone will recall the episode where huge electrical generators are used to reverse phase and travel into another dimension. Naturally part of what was needed is a simple chaos generator in conjunction with S.C.A.M.'s other proprietary substances. Still, this only hints as to the new scientific breakthroughs now available to audiophiles worldwide.

Another product is aimed for the analog community. Specifically, those who enjoy vacuum tube amplification. This product benefits from the perfect vacuum within tubes. Users simply insert a tube, one at a time, and after a 30 second cycle S.C.A.M.'s Magic Black Box ($5000) alters the tube's metals and chemical composition to adhere to the critical sixth-dimensional tolerances.

Claimed benefits include untapped new power now available in our three dimension products. Bass will have a newfound freedom and amazing speed combined with more air in the upper frequencies. The company is not 100 percent sure of all the exact changes, as even their space-aged technology instrumentation can not measure any difference, yet hearing is believing!

S.C.A.M.'s third, fourth, and fifth products are still under development at the time of this writing. One of the products is an antigravity platter and tonearm base for vinyl replay. The vinyl record will easy float approximately an inch above the platter as does the tonearm while the entire turntable will be held within a type of tractor field. This will completely eliminate any and all outside forces from interfering with the critical needle/vinyl interaction. The estimated cost is $10,000.

Their fourth product will do the same as the third, yet with 5-inch digital discs and should be around the same cost. Lastly, their fifth product will cost $20,000 and will finally settle the debate concerning cables. If you think about it, string theory and cables -- being a type of string as it were -- are closely similar. During my talks with S.C.A.M.'s chief scientist, he said that cable burn-in devices are only a mere tip of the iceberg. He admits they do indeed work, though not necessarily for the reasons claimed. Their product will completely alter on a sub-molecular level both copper and silver wire! Electrons flowing through said wire will travel at a rate of speed so high and with such little loss as to bring into question the advantages of light fiber cabling! In other words, it will revolutionize the metal wire industry and make the millions of miles of fiber networks seems slow by comparison! These are truly remarkable claims and the mere $20,000 investment will be recovered nearly instantly for both telecommunications and the electrical power sector.

Space-Time, The Final Frontier
Audiophiles worldwide will remember today. It is the beginning of the most revolutionary tweak to date! If you truly want to get to the essence of tweaking, then you must start at the innermost matter, the strings, of a product. Music lovers worldwide will finally have the ability to enjoy every last proton, neutron and electron within their system! And remember the company's motto: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance...

Of course in the end what really matters is that you...

Enjoy the Music,

Steven R. Rochlin

Company Information
Subatomic Conger And Magic
Groom Lake Road / Dreamland / Paradise Ranch
Pittman Station
Henderson, Nevada 89011