Humor Page

  Yes, unlike the retentive websites that lack a sense of humor, we are proud to have one here (and the crowd goes WiLd)!!! Most of the stuff on this page was kindly donated to us and the authors of said yummies deserve a big ol' thanks. Without further adieu...

Let the fun 'n' games begin!

Please add your own reviewer joke here.

Roly-Poly Speakers
From: Scott Dorsey

True, most speakers no good, always wreck the music smash up like 100% distortion. This universal, everyboty the thing to know like that. Roly-Poly speakers much better, have only the music. Special crossover allows 100% music through, present dead short to amplifier distortion. Other speakers run your music, maybe ruin your ear maybe even dangerous. ACOUSTIC RESEARCH speakers all sealed boxes, no vents inside. Drivers move in an out, compress the air inside. Dangerous. These speakers always exploding, killing people because compressed air build up inside. It's true only Roly-Poly speakers any good at all. DYNAUDIO speaker no good, got vents in the back where all the music falls out. All the music rolling around on the floor not go into your ears like with Roly-Poly speaker. Always you have to vacuum up the floor dead music lying around collecting dust down there. Even worse sometimes. QUAD ESL speaker use high voltage, all this high voltage electrcity leaking into air. Positive ions, get you very sick. Roly-Poly speaker eliminate dangerous high voltage supply, good healthgiving effects real music has. Roly-Poly speaker only use one driver for both channels, for all frequency. Has one speaker, four different voice coils! New innovation! Patented! You get all frequencies, get stereo at the same time, no explosions, no distortion, only music. No crossover distortion! Only 100% pure whizzer cone speaker! Cheap speakers ruin you music. You listen to music, get sick and throw up. You get sick and die. Not happen with Roly-Poly speakers.

 

How To Sing The Blues

(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match

 

Humorous Definitions

Here are some definitions that I know you needed.

10**12 microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox