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WCES '99


Another clue!

  And then this private eye found another clue!  It was hard to miss, seein' how it stood over 12 feet high!  Can't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason it reminded me of that pop singer Madonna.  Hmmmm.  Still, i needed to get my hands on more clues to solve this case.  Time to venture onward into strange lands.  Now this Dick has been in some tight situations, but what i was about to experience put me between a pair of rocks and a hard place.  It wasn't just what was seen and heard, but how these women would do anything to lead me down the wrong path.  Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.  Yeah, it was time to search for more clues in the "red light" district my friends.  Mom told me there would be days like this.  Time to check my gun, six-shooter, heat, hand cannon; my rod... and some extra protection if you know what i mean.  Hey, what would you do in the red light district?  As for me, well, a good challenge keeps this dic standing tall late at night.


i first came upon these girls using their slow torture techniques.  i knew i was getting close to solving this case, but...  That blonde was no problem though a good red-head always stimulates this Dic's senses.  Strange, it also reminded me my '75 Dodge needed a new exhaust.  Damn that cheap low quality muffler place on Main Street!  Anyway, i was getting pumped up about getting closer to solving the case when the red head knew my weakness.  Before i knew it she turned around and asked me what my name was.


 "My names Dick, i'm a private investigator looking for some clues" i said to her.

She said, "Hi" in a way so seductive it could make an old overweight audio reviewer cry.  Well, you know the type.  Since this Dic isn't one of those, it was time to move in for a, um, closer look if you know what i mean. She continued, "You know what I want and I know a great Dic like you can give it to me."

So i handed her twenty bucks, bread, fundedge, wampum, long green; my wad and she cautiously looked both ways then she took me into the alleyway.  The way the streetlight shined on her made her all that more beautiful.  It would be nice to take a break from all this hard Dic action.  Still, something wasn't quite right.

She asked me for another twenty and i said "Sorry baby, already shot you most of my load."  Something wasn't quite right so i continued "Well baby, you and my ex are alike.  Always wanting me to give give give."  We talked for a few minutes.  In the end she gave me what turned out to be some great leads.  Just then my stomach began to growl as i haven't had a good meal all day and then noticed this diner across the street.  So i pointed to the Diner and said "Baby, i love cherry pie."


"I have the best cherry pie you've ever tasted" she said in a way that could melt the chocolate bar in your pocket.  Then suddenly she reached out and grabbed me with her legs!


Seems she just wasn't going to let me go!  How was i to know she had a soft spot for dic's with money?  Struggling up and down for a few minutes, this girl was really giving me a hard time.  Suddenly, she exploded with energy!  This was getting to be one very sticky situation!  "Sorry babe, all ya get is that twenty" i said while struggling.  More time was spent struggling, pushing in and out until finally braking free.  Seems she just could handle all of this detective's action. 

After escaping i told her "Baby, i'm just not that kinda Dic.  We made a deal."  So i left her and headed to the Diner.  All this action has really made me hungry.  It has been a long hard day and i needed to unwind.  Good ol' greasy spoon Diner food always hits the spot.  So i crossed the street to get some eats.


Hmmm, it was unlike any other Diner i've ever been in before.  This Las Vegas town seems to do things in a very big way.  So this girl asked me if i'd like to be seated.  She lead me to this corner table and gave me a cup of java.  Then my waitress took my order.  For some strange reason i ordered melon with my cherry pie.  Strange how life is sometimes huh?


Case solved!

After eating the pie i began enjoying the melon.  Taking the first bite i said to myself in a low voice "Man this is the best melon i've even had."  Seems my waitress overheard me.  She told me how she saw my struggling with the broad outside too.  Seems word spread on the streets about my investigation.  She gave me the final clue that was needed to find what i was looking for.  Knowing what i now had to do, i paid for the meal and thanked her for the great dish.  She whispered in my ear "We need a good dic like you in this town.  Come on back anytime sugar."  Smiling, i left to finally solve this case.

Finally the case was solved!  Seems i found this long lost sister of my client.  She was held up in this sleazy, darkly lit dance club.  When i got there she was making a spectacle of herself, posing for some new canned tuna company.  Hmmm, something did smell fishy here.  She was going to be the mermaid, and, well, she did have great "fins" if ya know what i mean.  With this case all wrapped up it was time for me to go home.  Home to my small place in the country to relax out.  Nothing seems more natural than enjoying old Van Halen on vinyl.  Some things in life just feel so right, ya know.  So i grabbed a great tasting Cohiba, turned on the tube amps, dropped the needle on the record, and the music played on.  Van Halen "Ice Cream Man" to be exact. i'm your ice cream man baby, stop me when i'm passing by.  Seems that all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfied.

Hope you all enjoyed the exciting, action-packed, thrill a minute adventure of Richard "Dick" Rochlin in his Las Vegas WCES '99 private eye escapade.  So next time there's trouble and you need a great private eye, you too can call on Dick.  No job too long or too hard.  As this Private Dic always says...  Enjoy the music!



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